Bears Blitz

Published by Shea Johnson on May 8, 2009
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears

The year 2006 will–at least, as far as I’m concerned–be remembered for two reasons: the girlfriend and the Chicago Bears. I have no idea if any other event of significance took place that year. To be completely honest, I’m not totally sure that the weeks in 2006 weren’t just two days long; Saturday with the girl, Sunday with the boys. 2006 was a magical year.

It started in Green Bay. At the time, Brett Favre was holding on for dear life to his Bear-killer stigma. The year before was, and remains today, his worst statistical year ever.

Lovie Smith saw to it that the Bears goaled themselves to speed up the Lambeau Field mystique-eradication process by claiming victory in Lambeau in his first two years as head coach. Why would this year be any different?

Still, watching the Bears fall prey to the [enter favorite Favre nickname here] time after time since I was nine years old, I couldn’t trust this game. Plus, I clearly remember requesting that day off from work and refusing to give it up to a co-worker who wanted it off to celebrate her one-year wedding anniversary. I knew I’d burn in hell for that. And it would start in Green Bay.

All the while, me and my now-girlfriend were just dating. When I say just dating, I mean it to specify the casualness of it. We were yet to be exclusive. Hell, she hadn’t even been over to my place yet, which means she didn’t know about the Bears throw pillow, the Bears insignia on the bedroom door, the custom Bears Xbox controller, or—ohmygod!—the Urlacher fathead living and breathing on my wall.

When did I know I was safe from wrath? When Rex Grossman threw one of his vaunted deep bombs to Bernard Berrian for a 49-yard touchdown. The Bears went up early 7-0 and never looked back, taking it 26-0, topped off by Devin Hester’s first-ever punt return touchdown. If we’d only known…

Next four games: Bears 34, Lions 7; Bears 19, Vikings 16; Bears 37, Seahawks 6; and Bears 40, Bills 7. Five and O! Five and O! Rex Grossman is offensive player of the month! Thomas Jones is the answer! Bernard Berrian is a true number one! LIFE IS GOOD! Bring on the lowly Cardinals on prime time! Maybe not.

Whilst the Bears defense insisted on making Matt Leinart look like…Kurt Warner? that night, my best friend and I were taking turns playing advocate for Rex while the other dismissed his previous weeks’ efforts to luck or performance-enhancing steroids.

The. game. dragged. onnnnnnn. Then finally, the fourth quarter…

After each improbable defensive touchdown—first, Mark Anderson’s strip and then, Urlacher’s strip and Charles Tillman’s return—I remained unwilling to accept what was going on. The way in which the Bears were scoring did too little to inspire confidence that the Bears would find the offensive prowess needed for the final score.

I was right and wrong. Devin Hester, fast as he is, ran in slow motion down the field on that play, weaving through defenders seemingly effortlessly. I could hear my friend yelling and I was just staring. No freakin’ way! The rest was Dennis-Green-post-game history.

After that game—like literally four to eight seconds after—I started dialing out to all who I thought might listen and care about what a crazy game I just witnessed. Surprisingly, my now-girlfriend wasn’t one of them. I don’t know why not. Maybe I wasn’t ready to show her that side of me yet, but I even called girls from work.

Next six games: Bears 41, 49ers 10; Bears 13, Dolphins 31; Bears 38, Giants 20; Bears 10, Jets 0; Bears 13, Patriots 17; and Bears 23, Vikings 13.

The summer before the season started, I found out Youtube was the greatest thing on Earth. I’m ashamed to admit the semi-obsession started with that creepy-but-cute satanist LonelyGirl15 show. However, I soon became fixated on viewing athlete highlight videos. One of these videos was Hester’s “Anytime Hester” video, and it had music to boot!

The first time my now-girlfriend assumed I was a Bears fan was the first day that I met her…at Levi’s…where she worked…and incorrectly identified my Bears tattoo to be a Cubs one. But that was okay, because she was damn hot. I decided that the best way to acclimate her to my fandom was by having her view the “Anytime Hester” video one night.

Of course, to do something like show a girl you’re dating a Youtube video of a guy running with a football to T.I.’s “Bring Em’ Out” takes balls. And alcohol. Lots of it. I must have made her watch 17 Hester videos, all with the same footage, just different order and different, probably worse music. But Hester was on a tear, and that could not be denied.

After the Rams game which the Bears won 42-27, and Hester returned two kickoffs for touchdowns in, I was pretty certain the Bears were going to win the Super Bowl. The defense was amazing, Hester was amazing, Thomas Jones was solid, Rex was a little troubling but nonetheless; this was the year.

So let’s fast forward the rest of the regular season. Not simply just because this tale is getting a little lengthy, but because then we can move past Rex’s zero quarterback rating in the season finale versus Green Bay.

NFC Divisional Playoff: Bears 27, Seahawks 24. Robbie Gould comes through in the clutch. Brag to all my friends. Won’t allow my now and now then-girlfriend to watch with me as to not see me act like a little baby.

NFC Conference Championship: Bears 39, Saints 14. The Adewale Ogunleye sack/fumble. The safety. Bernard Berrian’s circus catch. Snow. SUPER BOWL! Brag to all my friends. Wear jersey to work. Still won’t invite girlfriend over to watch.

Same reason as before, but now becoming more and more superstitious. Girlfriend texts me after game something to the effect of: “OMG BABY! I WATCHED THE WHOLE THING! I SAW THEM BLITS! I AM SO HAPPY 4 U!”

By now, I’m feeling good about life: I may or may not have fallen in love simply because of her support and the Bears are going to win the Super Bowl. The plan is for all of my friends to barbecue, drink beer and watch the Big Game together. Despite my newly-acquired superstition and against my better judgement, I invite my girlfriend over to watch with us.

Watching Hester return the opening kickoff in the Super Bowl for a touchdown is indescribable. Are you kidding? The game is over. The special teams has been on all year and our defense is stellar. As long as Rex keeps his penchant for morphing into Turnoversaurus Rex in check, we will win.

The superstition, like Hester, is ridiculous.

After Chris Harris intercepted Peyton Manning early, and Rex found Muhsin Muhammad in the end zone to go up 14-6, two things became abundantly clear: the Bears were seriously going to be champs and my girlfriend would be there to take part in the celebratory festivities.

After Rex confuses Kelvin Hayden for anyone with a Bears jersey on, Cedric Benson becomes Cedric Benson, the Bears run defense implodes, and two things become abundantly clear: the Bears are NOT going to be champs and my girlfriend is the reason why.

The rest is Shea-Johnson-post-game history.