Bears Blitz

Published by Bob Bajek on January 21, 2011
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears

Epicness only adequately describes the epic clash between the Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game. And with this extra epicness, both teams and their fans are taking things a little too far. 

In Chicago, there is a boycott of anything dairy based for the week following the big game, especially cheese. Mayor Richard “White Stinky Sox” Daley proposed an embargo on any milk, cheese, ice cream and pizza around Chicago. Bears fans are feeling proud of themselves, even the business owners. 

“Who needs money when I could wear my 1980s Bears sweater, aviator sunglasses and Ditka porno stach all week to support ‘Da Bears? Not me!” said local pizza owner Jerry Rizzo, who asked this reporter to call him Mike Ditka. “Those Packers are detrimental to the city and I don’t need their stinky cheese!” 

Rizzo said even though no one is buying his deep dish pizza for a whole week, it’s OK even if it drives him out of business. 

Rizzo and other Bears fans around Chicago were donning horrible ’80s sweaters, mustaches, aviators, boom boxes and record copies of the immensely laughable “Super Bowl Shuffle.”

Rizzo’s psychiatrist, Dr. James Gallow, said Rizzo and many Bears fans are suffering from 1985 dissociative disorder. This abnormal psychological disorder has fans wishing it was still 1985-86 when the Bears were any good.

Gallow claims the disorder will only end if Chicago beats the Packers and wins the Super Bowl, but it’s quite possible Bears fans could be stuck with a new dissociative disorder, 2010-11itis. 

“Chicago fans, unfortunately, never let go of championship teams,” Gallow said solemnly. “Look at the 1908 Chicago Cubs. Many Cubs fans are beginning to refuse to drive cars, use computers or television. 

Things are stranger up north in Green Bay. The city’s mayor, Jim Schmitt, declared that teddy bears are here by outlawed within city limits. The law is working well for store managers, but young Packers fans are not liking this new ordinance as much. 

“My daddy took away my Aaron Rodgers teddy,” 7-year-old Matty Jubkowski sniffled. “He said it didn’t matter that it had a Packers uniform on. It was a bear and would bring bad luck.” 

Throughout Wisconsin, it was declared unrestricted bear hunting season by Gov. Scott Walker. Countless Packer fans, all hunters, hit the woods and fields everyday this week. Many animal rights groups, including PETA, fear Wisconsin’s bear population will become extinct before Sunday’s afternoon kickoff. 

Green Bay fans are also boycotting any movie or TV show relating to or filmed in Chicago, including “The Blues Brothers,” “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” “Batman Begins,” “The Dark Knight,” “The Untouchables,” “Barbershop,” “Prison Break” and “Chicago Code.” Chicago fans did not have to make a sacrifice because Green Bay never had a cool movie or TV show there. 

“The only episode I think Chicagoans will boycott is a That 70’s Show episode at Lambeau Field,” Gallow said. “However, Eric Foreman did buy a Walter Payton jersey and kicked a Packer fan’s ass.” 

The players also are getting involved, with Packers linebacker Desmond Bishop calling the Bears Devin Hester “a mumbler” and Chicago’s Julius Peppers calling Packer wide receiver Greg Jennings “a butterfingers.” 

Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher also got into the trash talk. 

“The Packers girlfriends really suck because their pickings up there is slim,” Urlacher said matter of factly. “Clay Matthews is probably dating his toothless cousin while I used to kick it with Paris Hilton.” 

Urlacher did say Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ girlfriend, R&B star Monica, is hot, but she should be in Chicago because it is the home of blues music. 

The Chicago media is also attacking Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy by asking if his football philosophy is in line with former Wisconsin senator Joseph McCarthy’s unconstitutional tactics.  

“No, I am not even related to him,” McCarthy eagerly told Chicago reporters, who then went out and wrote that he was Joseph McCarthy’s grandson earlier this week. 

Green Bay media could not resist in mocking Chicago and its Bears. Members of the Green Bay Press-Gazette said their Packers were going to Chicaco in Monday’s edition. 

“We don’t want to acknowledge Chicaco’s existence,” the Press-Gazette sports editor said, insisting his quote said Chicaco. “Chicaco sucks while little ole’ Green Bay is the place to be.” 

Preachers, meanwhile, are making speeches in their Green Bay churches that the Bears are the incarnation of the Anti-Christ, which is the sign of the end of the world. 

“The Bears are demonically possessed and the Packers are the second coming of Christ,” a Baptist minister said. Asked if Brett Favre would be the Anti-Christ, the minister claimed anyone against the Packers would be the Anti-Christ. 

Both mayors are staking bets on the game. The losing city would have to wear the enemy team’s jersey and memorabilia for the rest of their natural lives. 

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