Bears Blitz

Published by Kevin Fiddler on February 9, 2011
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears

The spaceship on Lake Shore Drive sits empty and dormant, with the ghost of cheers and boos alike echoing off its futuristic walls, waiting for its next U2 concert. All the while, Curly Lambeau Field is still selling out long after the season’s final snap as Green Bay hosts its first Super Bowl title celebration since Bill Clinton was auditioning interns and becoming a cigar aficionado.

The searing pain in Chicago is immense, and there isn’t enough Old Style beer to drown out its sorrows, no matter how many times the city would like to remind itself the Stanley Cup is currently its own.

The Bears and their fans are in an Ambien-induced hibernation now, dreaming of MCL sprains, tweets, BJ Raji’s dance moves and Joe Buck’s massively large IMAX screen forehead from Fox’s coverage of the NFC Championship. Making matters worse, ESPN’s non-stop coverage of Green Bay and its endless title celebration is making it unbearable (no pun intended) for Bears fans to watch for at least three weeks.

The only thing missing, for Bears fans at least, from each night’s SportsCenter broadcast is the addition of its newest anchor, Lucifer, and more Trent Dilfer “expert” analysis of what it takes to be a championship quarterback. In light of this bitterness, and the angry vibe spreading around Chicago thanks to the endless stream of Packers green spewing out of the nose of the major media outlets, there are a few things that have become painfully clear now that the dust has settled, the Black-Eyed Peas have gone back to whatever meth lab they were created in and Rex Ryan is back working double shifts at the Foot Locker.

1. AARON RODGERS > BRETT FAVRE

Aaron Rodgers deserves the right to never hear Brett Favre‘s name ever again. In fact, the name should be banned from Green Bay for five years and Favre should only be referred to as “He Who Should Not Be Named—And Texted.”

Rodgers has been nothing short of professional the entire time he’s been in Green Bay, especially when he was stuck holding a clipboard for the guy who refused to just go away. Rodgers is humble, tough, selfless and a bonafied champion. It’s even hard for Bears fans to dislike the guy, who does less butt slapping and more TD passing than “Graybeard the Shady” ever did in his first three years as a starter.

Favre is an afterthought thanks to the way he spent the latter part of his career, but his cell phone plan might need adjustment now that he’s finally really, really, really retired and gone from the hearts and minds of Packers fans. As for Rodgers, his cell phone plan might have a little bit better coverage now that ghost of that QB who appeared in “Something About Mary” has been exorcised. Hey, Titletown, can you hear me now?

2. THE TWEET IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

When Maurice Jones-Drew threw down his autocorrecting gauntlet during the NFC Championship game, it brought to light the new dangers involved for players in the NFL. When “Pocket Hercules” began tweeting about Jay Cutler and questioning his toughness while sitting at home, partly due to his injury-induced absence during his playoff-contending team’s final two games, it opened a new can of worms.

NFL players will always remember the Twitter tidal wave as NFL players-turned-postseason couch potatoes, became “Tweety” birds in 2011. From here on out, injured players will be overdramatizing their injuries so they won’t be judged “soft.” Better yet, equipment managers better have a large supply of medical products available as every injured player with maladies ranging from turf toe to ACL tears will be calling for the nearest ankle brace, set of crutches, shoulder slings or wheelchairs so as to keep the rising tide of hypocritical judgement from spilling over into their own careers. Sportswriters might even feel the need to wear wrist braces to the office if a painful outbreak of carpal tunnel sweeps over.

3. JAY CUTLER’S SILENCE SHOWS HIS TOUGHNESS

The fact that Jay Cutler hasn’t said a word about all the hub-bub tells me that he is tougher than most. Not only does the signal caller play every game with Type-1 diabetes, he also took a beating worse than Apollo Creed in his fight with Ivan Drago thanks to an NFL-leading 52 sacks his offensive line allowed this year.

The former Pro Bowler also suffered a brutal concussion at the hands of the New York Giants in their first half sack barrage in the “Sunday Night Massacre” on NBC.

Cutler is so tough that he doesn’t even feel the need to address the garbage coming out of the mouths of guys like soft Hall of Famer Deon Sanders (who once was injured doing an end zone dance), Darnell Dockett (whose manhood was literally exposed thanks to a UStream/Twitter shower incident), Bruce Gradkowski (Bruce who?) or any of the other countless morons who should handle their Twitter Apps on their phones as carefully as they handle their firearms. If they’re not careful, their phone might do almost as much damage to their careers as Plaxico Buress did when he realized that the safety is more than someone keeping him out of the end zone.

4. MEDIA HYPE CAN COST COACHES THEIR JOBS

Other than being the new spokesman for the John Madden video game franchise, there is no worse place to be than in the media’s top spot heading into the season. As opening night kicked off, I was literally nauseous from the amount of “experts” picking Minnesota and Dallas to battle it out for their shot at the Super Bowl. Both teams got more love than Justin Bieber’s combover when the season began, and the hype machine was literally a beast of its own. The weight of the expectations was tougher to handle than giving Kirstie Alley a piggy back ride and it cost both Brad “Mr. Noodle” Childress and Wade Phillips their jobs.

Tony Romo spent more time with his his arm in a sling, hat backwards, mugging for his next GQ shoot than he did doing anything of relevance this year. To me, Romo’s as overrated as a Kid’s Choice Award for “Best Picture” going to the “Twilight Saga,” and don’t even get me started on the musk-filled tears shed by Favre, Wrangler Jeans’ top spokesman. Captain Wishy-Washy has cost two coaches their jobs in less than three seasons. If I hear, “He plays the game like a little kid,” from Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworsky one more time, I’m starting a campaign to bring Dennis Miller back as color man for Monday Night Football.

5. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE NFL

If Jared from Subway can lose weight eating only subs, Fox can make joining the glee club cool, a National Anthem singer can actually remember the correct lyrics and Kurt Warner can go from bagging groceries to the peak of sporting excellence (competing on “Dancing with the Stars”), then teams like the Kansas City Chiefs can win their division, no matter what the prognosticators think.

While I still think there’s a better chance of Tim Tebow dating Jenna Jameson in the next three years than I think the Carolina Panthers will be relevant, anything truly goes in the NFL, thanks to parity.

By this time next year, we have just as good a chance that we’ll be breaking down Super Bowl MVP Rex Grossman’s performance for the Washington Redskins and my impending engagement to Kate Beckinsale than we do Jermichael Finley’s two championship touchdown receptions. Heck, if Jared can do it living on Cold Cut Combos, anything truly can—and will—happen.

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