The NFL’s Worst Of Week 7: The Sad Sack Seven
Published by Dan Boone on October 20, 2010
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears
Whispers are Brett Favre is planning yet another press conference filled with man tears, moans, regrets, and retirement chatter.
It seems this time though the aging signal caller will be announcing the retirement of his penis and blaming its publicity seeking ways for driving him out of Mississippi and back into the limelight.
Favre will carry on, of course, but his penis, that damn little distraction, will be entering a rehab somewhere in Savannah.
Colin Cowherd has vowed to devout an entire show to the times, the travels, the travails, and the turmoil of Brett Favre’s little signal caller.
In hot button concussion news, Terry Bradshaw has decided to show young players the savage effects of repeated head injuries by sitting them down to a screening of Smokey and the Bandit and various clips of his brief career as Colonel March on the Adventures of Briscoe County Junior.
Meanwhile, Mike Ditka has said he would gladly show young players holiday clips of his time in the void of Philadelphia as an Eagle tight end. Ditka has said he took vicious daily concussions from head hunting linebackers like Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker and a violent Mexican safety named Jose Cuervo.
When asked if he would screen Broken Arrow for young players, in an effort to show how repeated blows to the head can effect your cognitive ability long after retirement, former Oakland Raider Howie Long said he hoped all copies of that movie had been burned.
1] Carolina Panthers [0-5]
Reports in pro Football Weekly claim coach John Fox is coasting along, taking his 6.5 million dollars, and running.
If that’s the plan it seems to be working.
Sadly though the fans still have to pay to see the pathetic product and its less then 11 points a game offense.
2] Buffalo Bills [0-5]
Bills Owner Ralph Wilson wonders if he could trade all his so called professional players and fill the roster with beer drunk locals and cheerful Christmas elves that play for free.
It actually might make better viewing than the real Buffalo Bills.
3] Football in California
Football is fading on the left coast. All its pro teams are in sad sack shape.
The Oakland Raiders lack rhyme, reason, or rationality. They ought to hang up a sign that says Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.
In San Diego, Norv Turner is baffled that he still has a job after he and the teams brain trust wrecked a Super Bowl quality club, albeit three years ago, onto the sharp rocks of mediocrity.
In San Francisco motivational speaker “Matt Foley” Mike Singletary is stunned that somehow his team actually won.
Just think if the 49er headman had a headset, an idea about offense and clock management, and a decent quarterback?
Meanwhile, despite spending more salary cap dollars than any other professional team in the state, San Francisco still continues to struggle signing high draft picks.
And the NFL wants to add another California ball club to this mess?
4] Dallas Cowboys [1-4]
The Cowboys continue along as America’s most over-paid, over-rated, under-achieving ball club, but Jerry Jones might have come to the realization there is no one left to hire.
The Cowboys staff is stale, the players are poor, and no quick fix will mend the sinking ship.
It’s bad when it seems Daniel Snyder has out-smarted you.
But it will be fun to watch the Jerry Jones try to crunch his overly nipped and tucked mug in displeasure this week if the Giants embarrass the Boys on prime-time television.
5] Cleveland Browns [1-5]
The boring Browns are the ultimate, save perhaps the blundering Bills of Buffalo, blah ball club.
What do the Browns offer that adds any excitement, except occasionally beating the cross state bumbling Bengals?
Maybe having the always angry Eric Mangini doing his best brooding Belichick always raises fans morale.
6] Football In Florida
The Tuna is leaving town.
Apparently being beached in South Beach and watching his Fish flounder at home in key back to back prime-time games was enough to make the Tuna think the track at Saratoga has more potential than the offense, and special teams, in South Florida.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers stumble along, a poor team playing in a parity stricken league, as kind of a minor league team for a struggling London soccer club.
Strange days sure, but that is as good as the Buccaneers are likely to get under the Glazers.
And in Jacksonville the Jaguars are their usually under achieving, boring selves.
Banging along, in under filled stadiums, the lackluster Jaguars and dour, dull Jack Del Rio laid another prime-time egg and show, as usual, little signs of closing on anyone in their division.
Of course maybe they are only trying to close on Los Angles.
7] Chicago Bears Offense
Are the Bears the worst 4-2 team in league history?
Each week they seem to teeter on the brink of total offensive and, for that matter organizational, collapse.
The offensive line is a work of art in train wreck way. It took some skill, or utter reckless abandon, to assemble such a sad sack bunch and march them out masked as professionals.
Mike Martz’s moronic refusal to run the ball just a tiny bit to relive the crushing pass rush pressure on Jay Cutler makes it a macabre for his quarterback.
Jay Cutler, already looking like a boxer being badly smashed by a superior foe, will never last.
It’s a twisted pleasure to watch something sadistic.
One wonders does Mike Martz really despise Jay Cutler that much that he wants him permanently physically damaged?
It seems Martz will not be truly content until Cutler’s skull is crushed, like Phil Leotardo’s, under a rolling car or crashing defensive end.
Terrible Hype of the Week
The suddenly always screaming Jon Gruden, desperately trying to be a mini Madden and every players number one fan, called Maurice Jones Drew a combination of Earl Campbell, his power, and Barry Sanders, his speed.
This magical DNA hybrid, the Earry Camanders, had 17 rushes for 57 yards for a 3.4 average Monday Night hype night.
Think Big Earl or Barry might have done better against the Titans?
What will Gruden see next week Justin Tuck as a Bob Lily Deacon Jones hybrid?
Dez Bryant as a Jerry Rice Michael Irvin mix?
Terrible Game of the Week
49ers @ Panthers
For humanitarian reasons most they play and make those doomed to watch the mess suffer/
Can’t they call it a tie and make it a double bye?
Terrible Review of the week
The NFL seems to be moving in the direction of adding review time outs after every single play.
With calls to check each tackle after every play expect this to grow.
On the bright side its a boom for unemployed officials, who will be hired in droves to hawk eye every player every play for any infraction, and for the NFL itself Commercial Advertisement money.
And the players should never be tired because each ten second play will be followed by a five minute break for Brett Favre to sell trucks and pants.
More game stoppages leads to more commercial breaks and more moronic Burger King breakfast commercials.
Expect the old NFL boys to make a bundle by adding one television timeout after each and every play.
But in the meantime can someone please point James Harrison in the direction of that idiot playing the flute during the Burger King breakfast advertisement?
Terrible Torture of the Week
It’s terrible to watch Wade Phillips die in Dallas daily. A slow, painful ugly exit that Jerry and his ilk might be enjoying. But, its nothing like Brett Favre and his randy little pocket passer back in prime-time.
That’s right, more Brett on prime-time.
Pretty Packer ladies check your text messages, Grandpa’s going back to Green Bay.
The hot Halloween outfit in Pack land this year is a Grandpa Munster cloak, sans wranglers, and a phone pointing down.
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