The NFL’s Worst Teams Week 5: The Sad Sack Seven
Published by Dan Boone on October 6, 2010
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears
If the NFL has a long lockout next year, maybe the fan’s will think it’s just a long officials review followed by a television timeout.
Maybe Mike Pereira, the NFL’s parrot, can pop on everyone screens during the lockout and bird bark the officials got it correct, got it correct, got it correct.
Parrots talk for those that feed them.
The booth ought to blare I’m Your Puppet every time Pereira materializes to defend his zebras and the league.
“Your every wish is my command/All you gotta do is wiggle your little hand/I’m your puppet…”
The zebra’s review of the last play in the first half of the Philadelphia Eagles–Washington Redskins game seemed endless.
Andy Reid, who just might be nibbling on a Philadelphia cheese steak with extra sauce when he hides his face with his long play sheet, actually appeared to doze off for 15 minutes while the officials reviewed the play and the networks ran another half-hour of moronic commercials.
Maybe the referees can make Michael Irvin-like spoiled faces, the kind he makes moronically behind his fellow babblers as he tries to talk over them each week, while they stare at the review screen which seems to playing the opening sequence of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey instead of the previous play.
1] San Francisco 49ers [0-4]
Instead of his usual cunning coaching adjustments at halftime, such as screaming, “play tough, play smart, tackle hard, and be you” while dropping his pants, head coach Mike Singletary has decided to just serenade his embattled boys with old Fleetwood Mac.
I’m over my head but it sure feels nice..
Sometimes I can’t help feel I’m wasting all of my time…
I’m over my head but it sure feels nice..
Players also find it odd that every time the team blows another fourth quarter lead, Coach Mike bursts into “Build Me Up Buttercup.“
2] Buffalo Bills [0-4]
Getting rid of your best back for a fourth round pick is not a way to turn things around.
Than again if the Bills traded the entire team and staff to Toronto for a fourth round pick, two dozen hot wings, and a pitcher of ice cold beer, would anyone really care?
3] The State of Ohio [3-5]
The old Brown black magic is back as Eric Mangini blasted the Bengals and prolonged Browns‘ fans torment by not being fired.
The Bungles are a team built to briefly tease and then, as usual, go absolutely, cheaply nowhere.
Season after sad season it seems the Browns and Bungles are submerged in a fan crushing quagmire.
It’s a never ending football nightmare in Ohio.
4] Carolina Panthers [0-4]
One play Jimmy Clausen has perfected is the “throw to the belly of the defensive lineman” slant.
Carolina is not going to be on John Fox’s mind much longer.
But maybe Fox left his heart in San Francisco.
5] Chicago Bears offensive line
Jay Cutler looked like Tommy Hearns after Marvin Hagler rocked his Motown mind.
The Bears‘ offensive line is utterly horrid after years of neglect, but what adds to the effect is the complete inability of their tight ends or running backs to even fall into a potential pass rusher.
Tight ends and running backs used to block.
Anyone in Chicago recall Mike Ditka and Walter Payton?
The Bears’ grand tradition of not paying for competent backup quarterbacks extends back to George Halas trading Bobby Layne for cash and the 80s Bears backing Jim McMahon up with Rusty Lisch, Walter Payton, Steve Fuller, 65-year-old Greg Landry, and 13-year-old Doug Flutie.
Todd Collins proudly carries on that cheap Chicago tradition.
6] Oakland Raiders [1-3]
The Groundhog Day nightmare has dragged on decades in Raider land and this team seems like the same old sad Silver and Black Song.
If only Oakland fans could find a time machine and tell Al Davis, circa 1983, to skip court rooms, battles with Pete Rozelle, and jumping from city to city, and instead concentrate on developing a defense, an offensive line, and a quarterback.
7] Miami Dolphins [2-2]
One wonders what the total salary of the totally inept special teams and staff was for that Monday night Game. What do they pay those special team clowns?
A poor college squad could cover kicks and block for punts and field goals.
Making millions to perform on prime time below Pop Warner standards must be a good gig if you can get it.
Chad Henne seems to be making an extra effort to bring his game, and his team, down to the Dolphins special teams level.
Dishonorable Mentions
Dallas Cowboys [1-2-1]
Due to continual penalties along the offensive line, five Tony Romo turnovers, clock management issues, and several glaring coaching mistakes, the bye managed to tie Wade Phillips‘ struggling Cowboys this week, 5-5.
Afterwords a tongue-tied and game-tied Phillips said that Bye was one tough son of a…
Detroit Lions [0-4]
So bad, for so long they are just bad back buzz. One wonders why does anyone actually go to their games?
The lackluster Lions are about to shatter their previous record of longest road losing streak, so Lions fans and Fords have that to look forward to.
Musical Interlude of the Week
Andy Reid sings the Rolling Stones’ Time Waits for No One.
Let us hope for no wardrobe malfunction with Andy.
And can someone, at long last, hire Andy Reid a clock management guy or at least buy him a watch or point out where in the stadium the game clock is at?
If Jeff Lurie can make the incredibly underachieving Andrews brothers set for life, at least he can throw a fellow a Ben Franklin to stand behind Andy and count down from 30.
What’s Chuck Bednarik doing?
Maybe he needs work?
Concrete Charlie could stand beside Andy and snarl, “Okay chunky boy you got 20 seconds send the damn play in. It ain’t rocket science manatee man, run the damn ball for once…Now it’s 15 hurry the hell up.”
Odd Facts of the Week
Break up the state stat of the week: Missouri breaks out. No more picking on the Show Me State.
By Harry Truman’s poker-playing ghost, the Chiefs are undefeated, the Rams are in first, and the U of Missouri is undefeated.
Go Missouri!
The Brett Favre Babble Bowl
Brett Favre on primetime, and what’s the line on how many times you hear that magic moniker Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre?
If you included the five hours of pregame babble, the four hours or so of actual game time, and the three hour postgame with the amazingly not amusing Stu Scott, and the babble of Skip Bayless the next morning, the total is 11,298.
Take the over.
Expect Mike Tirico, who plans to happily sit on Favre’s lap for a pregame interview, to drop at least a dime’s worth of Brett Favres during the evening.
Worst Pickup of the Week
After the Minnesota Vikings are flushed out of the playoffs again, Vikings fans can look forward to an angry, aging, spoiled split end who openly dislikes playing for a declining club without a quality starting quarterback.
Enjoy him in his whining dotage as a falling, fading star.
Poor, Poor Pitiful Pete
Poor Sneaky Pete Carroll is upset.
Pete liked it better at USC when his salary cap was higher than Seattle‘s and five times as much as any Pac-10 opponents.
Bring Back the Burger King King.
The Burger King King man was very, very creepy.
Especially, it seemed, to women and children.
The “When You’re Strange” Burger King King’s face had that smug, sleazy, stupidly insane look of a cruel royal coming to claim the First Night of Kings with some poor burger-buying serf’s wife.
Still we expect royals to be strange, inbred, insane, dim witted, and black hearted weirdos, just look at England. But the Burger King King, at least, could sell a burger or sit, madly wine drunk, with you and watch the games.
But the new Burger King Marching Morons off to breakfast commercials are much worse than the King, even at his most creepy, ever was..
That flute-playing freak leading all those fat-faced marching morons to a fatty Burger King breakfast has to be flushed.
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