The NFL’s Worst: The Sad Sack Seven
Published by Dan Boone on September 10, 2010
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears
The NFL fires out of the gate this Thor’s day night..
Some things, say Daniel Snyder and the Chicago Bears, never seem to change much.
If teams tank early this year, and blackouts abound in the far-flung ends of the NFL realm, look for some owners to tank and bank the season.
Cut some players, cut some costs, go to ground and wait for the next round of player negotiations is already the mantra in places like Jacksonville, Buffalo, Tampa Bay and Carolina.
It might spread like the pods in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
How many times will the word Favre be uttered tonight? The over and under is 950.
Take the over.
Marv Levy excelled in Buffalo with the no-huddle offense. But its doubtful the Bill’s new twist, the no-offensive-line offense, will have much success.
Everyone in the AFC East seems on the upswing except the Bills, whose next upswing might be to Toronto.
The Smoking Man on The X-Files once said that as long as he lives, the Buffalo Bills will never win a Super Bowl.
The Smoking Man is still out somewhere…smoking and brooding about the Bills…
2] Chicago Bears
The Bears brain trust was shocked that Forbes rated them one of the most poorly run organizations in sports.
What gave them away: the decades of cheap mediocrity, or the “happy to be bland and below average” attitude of the current regime?
Either way, one thing Bears fans love about fall is Lovie Smith, down 44-17 in the fourth quarter, using his play sheets to hide his ingenious calls from evil lip readers late in the game.
Whatever weird, wicked football whispering hobgoblin that lives in Daniel Snyder’s head ought to start hissing Jeff George, Charles Rogers, Alonzo Spellman, and Maurice Clarett “Those are the final pieces to the puzzle…pay them and you will win.”
“Pay them…and you will win.”
Kurt Warner‘s Cardinals career was merely a desert mirage.
Fear not, Red Bird fans, the Cardinals will quickly revert to their horrid and true Bidwillian form, and the faithful can stay home in the air conditioning.
5] Football In Missouri
The big question in St Louis is will Sam Bradford last longer against the Arizona Cardinals than he did against BYU in last year’s opener?
His Sooners offensive line was much better than his St. Louis one; then again, many high school lines are too.
The Chiefs are, as usual, a dismal, talent-drained disaster, but there is always hope when Norv Turner is marching into town with his Week 1 goat horns at the ready.
Jet Owner, and Johnson and Johnson heir, Woody Johnson, is lobbying for a nationwide increase in pharmaceutical prices to pay for Darelle Revis.
The catchy commercial will warn consumers of the multitude of side effects from the drugs and end with a scowling Terrell Owens saying “After a week on Revis Island, I really need a Xanax.”
In an effort to help middle-class fans class fans mired in the grind-house economy, the Mara family has decided to allow fans to purchase extra PSL’s by signing over ownership of their homes to the Tisch clan or by making the Mara family their sole life insurance beneficiaries.
7] Tie: Cleveland Browns and Tampa Bay Buccaneers
These terrible teams are tied because their ugly mess of a poorly played opening game might actually end in a 2-2 tie.
The only way to watch this ugly outing is to bury yourself like Brando in Apocalypse Now and utter “the horror, the horror” at every pathetic attempt at a positive offensive play.
Mercifully, since small children, the elderly, the sick and folks with sensitive stomachs might accidentally tune this in Sunday, this abomination will likely be blacked out.
Idle: Jacksonville Jaguars
Since the game is blacked out and the stadium nearly empty no one is actually sure if the Jaguars will actually play this week.
Still in the spirit of the game surly Jag Coach Jack Del Rio promise to show up and be snappish and angry with the few fans and media force marched to the debacle.
Wretched NFL Man of the Week
Roger Goodell gets more uptight about bad words on a pay cable show, official NFL socks not worn properly, and end zone dances than he does about old-time NFL players in poverty or teams pricing average fans out of games.
Next time he hears a wicked word on late night HBO and gets terribly upset, maybe he ought donate the NFL’s Hard Knocks money to the old time NFL players fund.
Terrible Game of the Week
Cleveland Browns vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Ugh see above.
And finally some Doors to toast the coaches and players who will be prowling some other sideline or babbling endless on some silly ESPN television talking head booth this time next year.
That is if the billionaire owners and millionaire players can’t work out a way to get more money.
Drew Brees is Lech Walesa with a sixty million dollar contract, who would have thought?
When the music’s over
When the music’s over, yeah
When the music’s over
Turn out the lights
Turn out the lights
Turn out the lights, yeah
1] Lovie Smith- Linebacker coach in the MAC or WAC?
2] Jack Del Rio- Hit the road Jack. Will the Jags be far behind?
3] Wade Phillips– Mister Jerry really wanted the Boys in the Bowl in Jerry World
4] Eric Mangini- The not so Magic man leaves Brown town a sad clown..
5] John Fox- Won’t be lonely long.
6] Raheem Morris- The Bucs’ plan is to play without a head coach to save a few bucks.
7] Josh McDaniel- Brought a Rocky Mountain low to the Bronco owner.
8] Jeff Fisher- Is Chicago his kind of town?
9] Brad Childress/Brett Favre– Who is the player and who is the coach? Will Vikings sail their dragon ships west after their old brother franchise, the Lakers?
LA Vikings? Wasn’t Ernest Borgnine and his battling boys, Eric and Einar, in that one?
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